Who is the Spine in Your Family?

As an author, I understand the importance of the spine of a book. We may be drawn to the cover, inspired by the title, and moved by the words written on the pages, but there is something else quietly doing its job, the spine. The spine holds everything together. Without it, the pages can become loose, separated, and eventually scattered. The same can be true of a family. Most families have, or have had, someone who serves as the spine. This is the person who keeps everybody connected. They remember the birthdays. They organize the Sunday dinners. They make the phone calls. They tell the stories. They know who is related to whom and why certain traditions matter. They remind us to check on one another, forgive one another, show up for one another, and sometimes simply sit down at the same table together.

When I was growing up, the spine of our family was my grandmother, Rebecca Ruth Reed Harris, whom we lovingly called, Mother Dear. Mother Dear was our center. Her home was where we gathered for holidays and Sunday dinners. There was something about coming together at her home that gave us a sense of belonging. We were not simply coming over to eat. We were participating in something much bigger. We were family. Mother Dear also had a presence that commanded respect. When she spoke, we listened. She made sure we knew our family history. She wanted us to understand where we came from and the people who came before us. She taught us, in both words and actions, that family mattered and that we had a responsibility to care about one another. Looking back, I realize she was not just keeping people together. She was keeping our story together.

When she died, some of that closeness became splintered. Life happened. People moved. Families grew and changed. Relationships shifted. Misunderstandings occurred. Time passed. And, like the pages of a book when the binding becomes weak, sometimes people who were once closely connected began drifting apart. I do not believe my family is unique in this experience. Maybe you have seen it happen in your own family. Grandmother dies. Mama passes away. The aunt who always hosted Thanksgiving is no longer there. The uncle who organized the reunions gets older. Suddenly, everyone realizes that the person who kept the family connected is gone. Then everyone wonders who is going to step in and become the center or spine now? Being the spine of a family does not mean becoming responsible for everybody else's problems. You cannot fix every disagreement. You cannot force people to forgive. You cannot make grown people call, visit, or get along, but you can assist in keeping everyone aware of what is going on.

Being the spine means being willing to create opportunities for people to stay connected. Sometimes that is as simple as sending a group text that says, “I'm thinking about everybody today.” It could mean organizing a family Zoom call every few months, planning an annual family gathering, remembering birthdays, sharing old photographs, or checking on an elder and encouraging younger family members to do the same. Technology has given us opportunities our grandparents never had. We may live in different cities, states, or even countries, but distance does not have to mean disconnection. What it requires is being intentional. Families rarely stay connected accidentally. Someone must make the call, plan the dinner, send the invitations, tell the stories, dig up the photographs and make things happen.  

If you are wondering how your family can become more connected, start small. Create a family circle, bring back a family tradition, document your family history and share it with others, and do not wait until a funeral becomes the reason everyone gathers. As I grow older, I think more about legacy. I think about Mother Dear and what she gave our family that could never be measured in dollars or possessions. Because just as the spine of a book protects the pages and keeps the story together, every family needs a person who is willing to help preserve its story from one generation to the next. If necessary, are you willing to step up and be the spine for your family?

Wendy is the Purpose Partner helping women go from Crossroads to Confidence, from Shaken to Unshakable, from Purpose to Power. To learn more visit WendyGladney.com and ForgivingForLiving.org